Solacegirl

I recently stepped down from a position at our church.  I found that in moving here, and then moving again, and then homeschooling 5 days a week, and then working at the church on Saturday and Sunday along with all of the things associated with it during the week, pause for a breath, that I was not very healthy.  Physical issues that I’ve dealt with off and on for the past 20 years had reared their ugly head.  In the past I’d been able to push through them because I was also feeding my creative side.  Feeding the creative side tends to heal many ailments.

My hubby calls it “living in the sweet spot.”  We know that we can’t be there 100% of the time.  I used to live there a lot more than I have over the past couple of years.  The have-tos have far outweighed the want-tos, and that made things a little out of balance.  As I read that I have a picture in my head of a slightly bent bicycle tire that has a wobble as it turns but it doesn’t keep the bike from moving.  It’s just a slightly bumpier ride that tires out your arms from having to work harder to keep up right on the bike.  I’m exhausted from maneuvering an unbalanced life.

A couple of days ago I finished a book.  Freefall to Fly by Rebeka Lyons.  It was delightful.  It was written by a woman who picked up everything and moved her family to New York City.  They left everything that had known to step out on a great adventure.  Sound familiar?  She went through struggles that seem so instep with my own.  The one thing, besides the panic attacks to be saved for another post, that stands out the most is her search to discover her meaning in life.  She was starting over in every way.  That’s where I am.

At the end of this book the author asks some simple but specific questions.  The first one is, “What were my earliest dreams?”  It was a fun question to answer.  These are dreams I had between 2nd and 12th grade.  I came up with four.

1. I wanted to be the next Gilda Radner or Carol Burnett.  I wanted to be on SNL.  (This was a dream of mine since I was in 2nd grade and I would sneak down to watch SNL.  A seat half way down the stair case gave me a great view of the TV.  I also watched Nightline with Ted Koppel this way too.)
2. I wanted to own a shoe company.  I spent most of my 6th grade year designing shoes.  A few years later I saw people wearing the shoes I designed.  If only I had found some investors.
3. I wanted to be the first female President of the United States or doing something is government.  Why not start with the big goal, right?
4. I wanted to be a photographer and travel around the world telling stories through my pictures.

It was interesting to hear the hubby’s feedback as I read these to him.  I would say that three of the four still resonate with me.  I don’t feel the need to own a shoe company, but when the need arises I do enjoy designing and making a costume.  I’ll ponder the other three over the next couple of days.  There are a couple more questions that I need to anwer.  The idea is that you take these answers and mesh them together to figure out your meaning in life.  We’ll see what happens.

I moved across the ocean, and I forgot who I am.  I do know that I am a wife and mother.  That is a clear calling, and one that I am so honored to hold.  There is something outside of that.  There are deep passions and huge dreams that are lying just under the surface.  I’m the same adventurer that I was when I was 17.  I’ve been an artist since I could hold a pencil at two years old.  I have vivid dreams and visions; some of which I still remember from 4th grade.  All of these things are part of my DNA and I refuse to let them die even though I live in a culture that honors youth and building up the next generation.  I’m just becoming comfortable in my skin, and all the feedback is that I am too old to be cool.

It took a trip back to the hometown to remember who I am.  It took a book to dig a little deeper into who I dreamed I would be.  It’s gonna take a few more hours of prayer to see how those two things fit together.